What Now ???

hello again anonymous people :)

hope your all well.

after my last blog, I felt there was a lot of confusion, still don't know what it all means, I feel bio-polar in the choices, I feel I cant even decide what I want,

so been listening to music, just to console myself, to try and figure out what is going on in my head.


the closest song that can closely resemble what I am feeling, is Rihanna new song "what Now"

I've been ignoring this big lump in my throat
I shouldn't be crying, tears were for the weaker days
I'm stronger now, or so I say,
But something's missing

Whatever it is, it feels like
It's laughing at me through the glass of a two-sided mirror
Whatever it is, it's just laughing at me
And I just wanna scream

What now? I just can't figure it out
What now? I guess I'll just wait it out (wait it out)
What now? Oh, oh, oh, oh! What now?

I found the one, he changed my life
But was it me that changed
And he just happened to come at the right time
I'm supposed to be in love
But I'm numb again

Whatever it is, it feels like
It's laughing at me through the glass of a two-sided mirror
Whatever it is, it's just sitting there laughing at me
And I just wanna scream

What now? I just can't figure it out
What now? I guess I'll just wait it out (wait it out)
What now? Please tell me
What now?

There's no one to call 'cause I'm just playing games with them all
The more I swear I'm happy, the more that I'm feeling alone
'Cause I spent every hour just going through the motions
I can't even get the emotions to come out
Dry as a bone, but I just wanna shout

What now? I just can't figure it out
What now? I guess I'll just wait it out (wait it out)
What now? Somebody tell me
What now?

I don't know where to go
I don't know what to feel
I don't know how to cry
I don't know oh oh why
I don't know where to go
I don't know what to feel
I don't know how to cry
I don't know oh oh why
I don't know where to go
I don't know what to feel
I don't know how to cry
I don't know ow ow why

So what now? 

but when I listen to this, it answers what I am feeling somewhat, but actually still doesn't progress anywhere.

the answer is me, but I don't know how to do any of this. at all.

if you asked me whats wrong I would lie, I feel and am a different persona. I so want to be that person that everyone see's right now but I feel the cracks beginning to seep through.

if I break this then I don't know how to continue, because of the people that I have built around me.

I have become attached to them.

and don't want to hurt them, I feel like I can have a future with these people. but its very easy to trap yourself,


I feel so stuck,.................
I don't know what to do anymore
I love him so much



is it possible to want two lives so much

I love this life I have a made, and everyone in it. but when I am alone I keep thinking about my second life I so desparately want and need but also want to try and forget.


its driving me crazy,

this right here blogging is the only escape I have not even my closest people in my life know what im on about or going through.


when night falls is when it hurts the most.

stuck between two lifes that I would rather pull together to make one. god I don't know........

I guess I get closer to the answer everyday, so until the next time.

be safe, make the right choices for your self, be the best and have the best.
peace
Rhiannon